[lists]

I am not a list person. I don't think it's because I don't like them (although it's true that I hate making lists); I think it's more because I'm not exactly sure how to do them. I need lists. And now I'm learning how to use them.

My family is so different. My mom has always done everything for us. She's just trying to help, although she takes on way too much, and it's fostered in me a laziness that I didn't realize I had until recently. I've recognized in myself that I am an undisciplined person. Growing up I never HAD to do anything…even in my homework habits I barely did what I needed to do. I've always received exceptional grades for my work (I'm graduating from college with a 3.8) and yet I realize that what I turn in isn't my best- it's just mediocre. There are few things in my life that I give my all to. People are my top priority (yet I don't always give them my all), especially people I love or people who need me. Actually, I think if I were to pinpoint the thing that I absolutely throw my whole being into, it's loving others. My academics, my work ethic, even sometimes my spiritual life- they're all just so-so. I live in a world of mediocrity- and I loathe it. Mediocrity strikes down any potential of excellence in our lives. It's disgusting and I don't want to give in to it.

So what does all of this have to do with lists? Lists are a way to manage life. Lists tell you what needs to be done. It's a way of organizing the ridiculous amount of things we do in a day so we can properly give our all in every single one of them. I want to give my all- and all for God's glory.

Please help me, God, to not be a mediocre person! Give me strength to be faithful, disciplined, loving, and wise.

Now if only I could master this list thing…

[happenings]

I'm writing today because I want to keep myself writing. Whatever comes to mind, I want to write it down. Just like that. Keep my life documented so I can "see" and "hear" my own thoughts and ideas.

I'm entering a scary part of life. I think I hit that realization while musing before Christmas. I've realized that I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm scared that I won't know how to live life after I graduate. I'm scared that I'll be one of those people who has to face life alone. I'm scared that I won't find a job, place to live, etc. I'm scared that no one will like me.

Now, most of those fears are not really rational. All my life I've been loved, cared about, and independent. I "know" that I'll succeed; there's no reason for me to believe that I won't. And maybe I will go through life single- and that's something I'm scared of- but I think that I overthink that too much as well. It's possible, but it becomes even more possible when I've destined myself to such an end. I'm a lovable, outgoing, personable, caring person. There's much in my life that I have to overcome- and there are some obstacles that I must face for any relationship, but I have the hope that God has a will for my life- and I will follow that no matter what.

There are some things that I believe I just know are things that I need to do in my life. You know, sometimes that are things that you know without a doubt are right; You know that you should do this or that or that you were meant to be doing something because it is so right. The things in my life that I know are right are these: I know that it is right for me to be pursuing a degree in Counseling. My heart and my soul are so wrapped up and intertwined with this desire. I believe firmly that this is where I am meant to serve and give my life. I'm scared of it because there's much I don't know and much I need to overcome to accomplish this, but there is nothing that makes me think that I shouldn't be doing this. I know that when I graduate in May that it's time for me to move out and find my own place. I know that. I know that I'm going to be ok, no matter what life circumstances come my way. I'm scared to death of never finding love- but that shouldn't handicap me. Even if I am destined to be single forever, I'll be ok. I know that.

One of my goals this year is to not worry about what others think of me. I want to be 100% genuine and real. I want to not judge others. I want to be truly loving. I want to have real fun. I want to be confident in who I am and where I am going.

God, help me to glorify You by being full in You and therefore becoming fully me!!!

[paradox]

One of the most terrible hindrances we have in our lives is the lie that this life is good and we must enjoy it while we can. Most certainly there are parts of this life that are good; and I am in no way suggesting that we don't enjoy the gifts and blessings God has given us despite our own depravity, but we must not ever let ourselves believe that this life is as good as it gets. If it is, then Jesus died for nothing.

It sounds so awful to think that Christ asks us to "surrender all" and to "take up your cross daily" and to be "crucified with Christ." Doesn't that mean that I can't just enjoy life as it comes? Doesn't that mean I have to DENY myself the right to myself? What's that all about? That sounds like no fun.

One of the greatest paradoxes of all time is that to live your life, you must lose it (Matthew 10:39, 16:25; Mark 8:35; Luke 9:24, 17:33; John 12:25). Jesus says, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." When a person's life is grasped by the gospel, this paradox no longer seems ridiculous; it becomes breathtakingly beautiful.

The gospel is simple. It's the story of redemption of a worn-down, beaten up, desperately tired, absolutely rotten people. An undeserving people. A sinful people. A totally lost people. A people like you and me. A people who needed someone to save them because they could not ever save themselves. The penalty for all they had done was eternal damnation and death because God, who created them, was Holy and could not be near sin. But the gospel points to a loving, just God who demanded that sin be paid for; and who paid for it himself. God showed this rotten people grace by sending Jesus to pay the penalty for their own sins. The grace of God is so amazing because God paid the price for crimes He did not and cannot commit! Jesus' death is like an innocent man taking the death penalty for a guilty man. But it is even greater than that because Jesus is God- and His death (and resurrection)covered the sins of the entire human race.

The gospel points to the love of God for a people who do not deserve that love. When that is understood- when a person begins to take hold of the depth of God's love- then a whole new understanding of Jesus' command to lose your life begins to transpire. Suddenly everything clicks and we understand that our life is not our own…and it certainly isn't at its best right now.

Don't ever fall into the danger of living a life of mediocrity. Don't allow yourself to lose the wonder of the Gospel. This world isn't the best there ever will be. Learn the beauty of surrendering yourself to God. Choose each day to crucify yourself (your dreams, hopes, and desires) and let the Holy Spirit live through you and then watch as your life becomes richer, deeper, and more fulfilling. You'll soon find that this paradox is the most wonderful thing you've ever heard of in your life.

[fresh start]

Hello blogging world.

I used to blog all the time. In high school I was big into Xanga (just like everybody else). I remember rushing home to write something down in my blog after school and hopefully receive 7-10 comments by mid-evening. You could pretty much say I was addicted. I finally gave blogging up when I went to college (Facebook- what can I say?). I'm now realizing how much I miss writing down my thoughts. So here I am again.

Actually, to be honest, I'm starting to blog again because I need it. As we grow older, we recognize our own learning styles and begin to see our faults and weaknesses. I'm on that journey now. I'm finding that one of the best ways I learn and change is by expressing my thoughts. I'm a thinker, but if I don't ever share with someone what I'm thinking I may as well not have thought it. Writing allows me the ability to express my thoughts, feelings, and questions without having to A.) look like an idiot if I haven't completely thought something through or B.) talk someone's ear off while I do completely think something through. That's my learning style. A few of my weaknesses that I've discovered include disorganization and an undisciplined nature. Blogging helps me organize my thoughts and discipline my time. It's not easy for me to sit still and write something out, but I always find that I benefit so much from doing it! My goal is to force myself to write on here at LEAST once a week (hopefully more, but let's start off slow).

So I'm back, bloggers. Only a few will probably ever read this, but that's ok. I need a place to express myself and learn at the same time.

Here's to becoming the person I desire to be…